I am not sure what to think at the momment. I thought I could help someone change their life, a change that they said they wanted. The closer we got, the harder it became for her, as I was oblivious to it. Tonight was a night of realization. Ever ask someone whats wrong and they wont tell you until you ask more than once? Ever notice something about someone that just seems like they are pulling away? I just had that happen and I cant say I am too happy it did. But I must have some serious problems. It has only been 11 days, I told myself I wasnt going to fall for this girl, not for a while at least, and look at me now. All I want to do is turn back time so I could have those last few days back. Finding one of the greatest movies ever in August Rush, I thought I was bonding with someone. In reality, she had this feeling of distancing us the whole time. I cant believe I did it again. Only this time, I knew it wouldnt last for too long. I knew she would be gone in a few months, and yet, I thought something would happen between now and then? I even met some relatives, doesn't that mean anything anymore? Or do we just bring around ghostly images of people we want our parents to see and not the real people? And what about the accidental "boyfriend" word that popped out. (I had made some comment about her having other boys, and then later she told me that she would not be able to hang out with me for a while becuase she had to hang out with her other 'boyfriends', but then she caught herself and added '...and girlfriends' (joking of course) Maybe I am way overthinking things (working with women will do that for ya...ha). Should I even be putting this out there for all to see? I guess the way I feel about that question is that I have nothing to hide, I am willing to share with the world whatever they want to know about me. I know that somewhere out there, someone will be able to look past my taboo and into who I am or strive to be. But I digress. I just cant believe that I, someone who wrote just last week about maturity (and look at me now), fell for this girl. And it wasnt even a hard fall. I was much slower and smoother with this fall (being 6'10", its hard to be smooth with a fall ;) ) but still, I did fall for her. Deep down inside did I really see this working out? Considering the difference, no I did not, but it started to shape up like something could actually happen. I guess my biggest question to anyone that is reading this, is how do I not fall for a girl, even when I tell myself that I need to be patient not clingy, proactive not reactive, and smart but not ignorant, all while still going about my daily routine? Is there something about me that just wont let that happen? Is it bad that in a relationship I want more than just SEX? Is it taboo for me to say that since I am a guy, and a guy is just supposed to "hit-it-and-quit-it"?? I guess I have lots of questions I need to answer about myself, before I go dragging someone into my life that doesnt really have the desire to help others reach their full potential. Yet the worst part is, I told so many people how she was such a great girl, and now, what will I tell them? Will they look at me different next time I tell them that I think I met someone? Will they start thinking I just fall for any sign of a girl? I cant handle my friends not believing me just because somoeone, the first girl of 2010, now decides that further apart is better, when closer together last week was the same. I am not sure what is going on in my mind, thought, or feelings right now, but I guess I just need to offer myself up to God and let him choose the right steps for me. (it just really sucks, because I thought there was something different about this one.) Oh well, another day, another lesson learned.
And if she is reading this.. just know, no matter where you end up in the world, I will keep you in my prayers.
In a way, this song does fit also...
Monday, January 11, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Maturity
It facinates me how much people mature daily, especially when I reflect on myself. Looking back at the past posts that I wrote (which were quite awhile ago), I can see so many little things that I just chuckle to myself about now, and how I cant believe I wrote some of those things. For instance, when I was head over heals about the one girl. I am so amazed that I actually believed what I did even after knowing her for only a few days. Reflecting on that, all I can say is how immature and incredibly ignorant I was. But not only do I see my maturity change in blogs or facebook posts, but even when I'm driving around town and think of things that I did here or there, I am amazed at how I actually did some of those things.
The more I think about it, could going from living with two foreigners in my on-campus house to living in my current apartment with a 25-year-old store manager who is more laid back and doing more with his life have done more for my maturity than not? Or, could the fact that I have been single for about two years now be a factor to the growth of my maturity? I mean, sure I met someone a week ago, and maybe it will turn into something, maybe it wont, but so far I like her and we will see where it goes from here. Another factor may have been my job? Going on 8 months on the job and still loving it, but being around a business environment at least 10-15 hours a week, could that be contributing to my maturity? Im sure all of these have had some contribution to my maturity, and obviously I still have a long ways to go, but isn't it amazing how much we can mature even in just a year, a month, or a day?
This brings me to a couple sub-questions. Can somoene really mature in a week, day, or something less? Or is it just the realization of something that we did not know earlier in that amount of time? The second question is more of a measurement idea. Is there anyway that we can monitor or measure our own maturity? Is there someway we can really tell how mature one person is compared to another?
Anyways, it is nice to begin to have these realizations and to notice that I am actually maturing. Next, I am going to put my maturity to the test, and if anything does happen with the newest girl I have met, will I be able to act mature enough around her? She is two years older, so will I be able to give her the guy she wants, maturity-wise? ...I guess we'll find out!
The more I think about it, could going from living with two foreigners in my on-campus house to living in my current apartment with a 25-year-old store manager who is more laid back and doing more with his life have done more for my maturity than not? Or, could the fact that I have been single for about two years now be a factor to the growth of my maturity? I mean, sure I met someone a week ago, and maybe it will turn into something, maybe it wont, but so far I like her and we will see where it goes from here. Another factor may have been my job? Going on 8 months on the job and still loving it, but being around a business environment at least 10-15 hours a week, could that be contributing to my maturity? Im sure all of these have had some contribution to my maturity, and obviously I still have a long ways to go, but isn't it amazing how much we can mature even in just a year, a month, or a day?
This brings me to a couple sub-questions. Can somoene really mature in a week, day, or something less? Or is it just the realization of something that we did not know earlier in that amount of time? The second question is more of a measurement idea. Is there anyway that we can monitor or measure our own maturity? Is there someway we can really tell how mature one person is compared to another?
Anyways, it is nice to begin to have these realizations and to notice that I am actually maturing. Next, I am going to put my maturity to the test, and if anything does happen with the newest girl I have met, will I be able to act mature enough around her? She is two years older, so will I be able to give her the guy she wants, maturity-wise? ...I guess we'll find out!
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